It will never end.
a few days ago, I had the explosive meltdown I’ve had in a very long time. It was truly horrific, and right now. I hate myself. The shame and disappointment are suffocating, and I wish it never happened. again.
At this point in my life, I can usually extract and isolate myself before my head starts to spin and I start spewing sticky green vomiting. Sometimes, I can stop the crisis by directing my energy to my cat or whatever will relieve pressure.
Sometimes I can’t and I just have to go through it.
So, I get myself to a quiet, safe space as quickly as possible. Once alone, I quietly collapse in on myself, my hitching sobs and primal growls punctuating the solitude, and I let go.
I rock. I hit myself. I throw things. I cry hysterically. I cuddle my cat. And I fear it will never end.
I’ve now been up all night. I can’t sleep. I’ve had a few mini meltdowns as I’m getting a bit overwhelmed once again. My anxiety is skyrocketing from obsessively trying to decode my behavior and thoughts. Crushing loneliness has wrapped itself around me, and I have no idea what to do.
Right now, I’m wondering, lost and confused, feeling tossed aside and disposable. I feel completely worthless.
